The Snake Made Me Do It!

“The woman made me do it,” Adam whined.

“The snake made me do it,” Eve cried.

It is safe to say that it’s human nature to look for people or things to blame when we find ourselves in uncomfortable situations of our own creation—especially when the results are potentially catastrophic.

Whenever I left the house in just enough time to make it to work within my grace period, I would immediately blame the traffic if I saw that I wouldn’t make it on time. In my daily frustration, I finally started to look inward. I realized that the true cause of my tardiness was rarely traffic. In fact, more often than not, the only reason I ran into traffic was because I hadn’t left home early enough in the first place. What could I do to rectify the problem? Take responsibility. Wake up earlier. Prepare the night before. Make a habit of leaving the house no later than 6:25. The results are noteworthy.

A few weeks ago my daughter had a soccer game. I told her to be sure to find out the location of the game before she left school on Friday. In the car on Saturday morning I asked her whether she had the address. “I left it in the house,” she replied. I asked her whether it was at the same place it was last time and she said yes. I sat for a few seconds and determined that she didn’t need to go back to get the address since I knew exactly where we were going. I hopped on the freeway and headed to the school in Tarzana.

As soon as we arrive it was clear that we were at the wrong place. What happened?

She informed me that she meant the school we were at the time before last…the one 25 minutes in the opposite direction.

I was disappointed by the situation, but I wasn’t upset at all. In this case we each could have blamed each other for something or another, but we did not. I immediately asked myself what I could have done differently and shared what I came up with Amari. I could have made sure we had the address before we walked out of the house. I could have given her a chance to go back inside and get the address. I could have asked her based off landmarks what the school looked like and what game she played the last time we went. I could have even googled the school before we got on the road (since we were certain of its name).

I asked her to tell me what she could have done differently. She responded that she could have remembered to bring the paper or she could have given it to me the day before or she could have asked me to allow her to go back inside to get it.

I told her that when something like this happens we should always look at ourselves first and ask what role we played in our current circumstances. It is best practice to take responsibility for our actions and the situations we create for ourselves as a result of our actions.

I meet too many adults who say that they never pursued their goals because their parents didn’t believe in them or they didn’t finish school because they had a baby or they were late to work because the traffic was horrendous. Perhaps these things are true, but they don’t have to keep you where you are (if you don’t like where you are). Your past is no excuse for mediocrity in your present. Stop blaming and change your circumstances today. Take responsibility today.

I saw a quote on a marquee near my job that I really like. It said: “Don’t complain. Don’t explain. Just get it done.”

Christian Anger Management 101

I was like a volcano, never quite sure when I would erupt. It happened at work when I didn’t like a co-worker’s tone when she spoke to me. It happened when I was pulled over for “running a red light.” It often happened in my home whenever conversations turned to areas of disagreement. Imagine that! Sweet Loureva would turn into a thugged-out, fist throwing, foul-mouthed Incredible Hulk in a heartbeat.

“…To be SLOW to take offense, but always ready for reconciliation.” Those are words from the church covenant that I recited each first Sunday for the first 22 years of my life. I said the words, but living them was a challenge. How could I live them when so many people and things seemed to push every button I had until they found the ones that set me off?

I was in my early twenties when my father sat me down to tell me that I really needed to get my anger under control. I rolled my eyes and lashed out at him for having the audacity to suggest that I had a problem. A few years later, however, the Lord revealed to me just how my anger was holding me back from the relationship He wanted to have with. I realized that I didn’t like who I was when I was angry. I didn’t like the way I felt when I was angry. I didn’t like the residual guilt, anger, pain, and other nasty emotions that remained when I allowed myself to be angry. I looked to the Lord and sincerely cried out to Him for help.

I began to speak candidly with loved ones about my angry moments. Last summer I even signed myself up for an anger management course, where I was surrounded by people who were angrier than I was. Hearing their experiences with anger really made me think. There are so many Christians walking around angry. Unconstructive anger is one of the enemy’s tricks to hinder our praise and block our blessings. Anger separates us from God’s presence and strains our relationships with our loved ones, and worse, our relationship with Him. The good thing is that there are things we can do to release ourselves from anger. There is victory in Jesus!

If you find yourself feeling angry, DON’T:

• Excuse the behavior. I rationalized that my anger was a part of who I was. Being angry is NOT okay. It is NOT a part of who you are, so don’t claim it.

• Ignore your anger. Sometimes I would get so upset that I would just go to sleep and hope to feel better when I woke up. Interestingly, the same level of anger would return as soon as I opened my eyes and saw that the problem was still there. You have to figure out constructive ways to express and release your anger. If you ignore it, it will only grow.

• Be too embarrassed to seek help. You can’t afford to be embarrassed about it. Your life will be so much better, your relationships will be so much stronger, and you will be so much happier once you decide that you don’t want to be angry anymore.

DO:

• Look to the Lord. Spend time with the Lord in prayer. Let Him know exactly how you feel. Cast your cares upon Him because He genuinely cares for you and wants you to be happy, emotionally stable, and functioning at your best. Seek His guidance and He will show you exactly what to do.

• Hide God’s word in your heart. Attack negative emotions with the word of God. I have included some helpful scriptures at the end of this article that you should memorize and recall when angry emotions arise.

• Figure out your triggers. Find the things that set you off. They vary from person to person. Identifying the things that make us angry can help us to avoid them or determine coping methods for things that we can’t avoid (living situations, classmates, co-workers, etc.).

• Release your anger. Breathe. Journal. Exercise. It is important that you let go of anger. Taking deep breaths, journaling and exercising are great ways to physically release the tension caused by anger.

• Talk with the person who has angered you AFTER you have calmed down and sought God’s guidance. You will feel relieved once you have calmly expressed your emotions from a loving place.

• Talk with someone who will pray with you and offer sound advice. Your church family is a great place to start. You’d be surprised by how many other people have grown through the same emotions you are feeling. You are NOT alone.

• Know that effective anger management is a process. New situations will constantly arise and test you, but if you follow these tips, you WILL overcome them.

God’s Word Says:

• "A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back." (Proverbs 29:11)

• "This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." (James 1:19-20)

• "Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, for anger resides in the bosom of fools." (Ecclesiastes 7:9)

• "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thir¬sty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:18-21)

• "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-temp¬ered man, lest you learn his ways and find a snare for yourself." (Proverbs 22:24-25)

• "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are... enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions... and things like these, of which I forewarn you just as I have forewarned you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." (Galatians 5:19-24)

• "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." (Ephesians 4:26-27)

What He Likes Most...

Shan and I teach 2nd and 3rd graders at church on Wednesday nights. It’s a really special time for us because it’s a way for us to serve the Lord together. Last night was my night to present the lesson. I was disappointed with my presentation because, although I had studied and although the children were engaged in the lesson, I felt like there was so much more I could have said to get the point across. I hadn’t gone deep enough. I had dropped the ball.

I am extremely passionate about teaching young people and I can’t conceal it. Why? Because I know that the lessons and scriptures I learned in 2nd and 3rd grade are the ones that swirl around in my mind 20 years later. They are the things that have helped me get through some tumultuous situations. I feel obligated to teach my students thoroughly. I feel a need to convey every important point I know. I don’t want to miss anything. I know that a spiritual battle is raging and I want to make sure the children are equipped with everything I’ve got and more to help them in this fight.

When I voiced my concerns to Shan, he assured me that things had gone well and that I would be able to go a little deeper in the word next week. He said that he could tell the children were paying attention by the responses they gave to our questions. They got it. He said that I should stop being so hard on myself. When I allow the Lord to speak through me, no point that “should” be covered is left uncovered. The Lord knows better than I do what the young people need to hear.

Then Shan said something that made me feel REALLY special. (I mean I’ve been cheesing all day.) He said that the thing he liked most about me when we dated was my passion for Christ. It is the thing that most attracted (and attracts) him to me. I never knew that. I never thought to ask him what he liked MOST about me. (I assumed it was my striking good looks, my amazing personality, and my delicious twice baked potatoes.)

I am elated to know that the thing my husband likes MOST about me—the thing that is MOST attractive about me—is my passion and my thirst for God. How awesome is that? I am so honored.

Proverbs 31:10-31

Choices

Lord,

I choose to focus on who you are and what you are able to do ABOVE what my situation appears to be.  You are greater than my situation!

I choose to focus on that truth and remain encouraged--no matter what.

I choose to speak confidently to my situation because I trust that you know and want what's best for me.

Finally, I thank and praise you for the opportunity to choose.

Love,
Lou

Cheryl Cobb-Debrosse, “Pulling the EXTRA out of Ordinary”

 I was recently blessed with an opportunity to sit with entertainment guru, Cheryl Cobb-Debrosse. With over fifteen years of industry experience, Cheryl has worked closely with such talents as The Rolling Stones, Luther Vandross, Toni Braxton, R. Kelly, Fantasia Barrino, and Chante Moore (who she currently manages). Earlier this year, Cheryl embarked upon a new pursuit and co-founded Sporty Girl Fitness, a movement dedicated to the mental, physical, and spiritual well-being of everyday women. Through Sporty Girl Fitness, Cheryl empowers women to tap into the confidence, faith, and self-love that are essential for true success. Cheryl’s mission is to “Pull the EXTRA out of ORDINARY.” Her career advice, if followed, will motivate us to be extraordinary in 2012 (and beyond).

• Always consult with the Lord before making decisions. If our will is in line with the will of the Father, we can’t help but be successful.

• Consider your strengths and pursue a career that allows you to do what you love most. Cheryl knew that she wanted to be in entertainment when she was four years old. She learned how to read music and grew to LOVE it. She played in the band at Locke High School in Los Angeles and was also an accomplished dancer by the time she was in college. She always entered and produced talent shows and felt the greatest satisfaction when she was a part of creative efforts that revolved around music. When she reflected on her strengths, she realized that although she liked to perform, she really enjoyed directing people and making things happen behind-the-scenes. Pursuing a career managing musical artists would give her an opportunity to do what she loved and make great money while doing it.

• Have an action plan. Once Cheryl figured out what she wanted to do, her next step was to come up with a solid plan that would help her reach her goals. First, she made a list of five performers she would LOVE to work with. Next, she planned to reach out to their management, introduce herself, and offer to take their artists to the next level. Once she got her foot in the door, she was prepared to work hard, build strong relationships, and eventually transition into artist management.

• Invest in yourself. Read and learn as much as you can. Stay current. Immerse yourself in your industry of choice, but don’t stop there. Being well-versed will assist you in making lasting connections and increase your value in corporate America.

• Be confident. Cheryl called Michael Jackson’s production manager and requested five minutes of his time. After he got over the initial shock of receiving a call from a total stranger, he agreed to meet with her. She spoke earnestly with him for five minutes about the contributions she could make to his team and ended the meeting with him wanting to find out more about her. Although he wasn’t able to fit her into Michael’s camp, he was scheduled to be the production manager for an upcoming Rolling Stone’s tour and offered her a production assistant position.

• Be tenacious. Diligently pursue your dreams. Never lose sight of your goals. Success comes to those who are diligent. Successful people don’t give up when they hear the word “no.” Instead they figure out other ways to get what they want.

• Be prepared. If you don’t have everything you need at the exact moment an opportunity presents itself, make sure you get it immediately. When Cheryl initially called Michael Jackson’s production manager, he requested a copy of her resume. At the time, she didn’t have one. As soon as they got off the phone, she created a resume and hand-delivered it to his mailbox the same day.

• Use each successful experience as motivation to fearlessly anticipate and embrace new opportunities. Cheryl used her experience with Michael’s production manager to give her the confidence to reach out to other artists’ (from her list of five) production managers as well.

• Don’t be afraid to take risks. When Luther Vandross’s production manager called to offer Cheryl a position as Luther’s “Hospitality Director,” he told her that the job would pay $600 a week and warned that it would be “dirty.” She would be responsible for setting up Luther’s meet and greets, after parties, and anything else that the backstage crew needed. At the time she had an office job making $125,000 a year. Accepting the “Hospitality Director” position would be a HUGE pay cut, but she was willing to take the risk because she knew it would help her reach her ultimate goal.

• Keep a positive attitude while building and maintaining your network. The Hospitality Director position was far from ideal, but Cheryl had a goal. She knew that her situation was a temporary and necessary stepping stone to get what she wanted. Cheryl became friends with artists’ managers and heads of record labels. While touring with Luther, she introduced herself by saying, “Hi. I’m Cheryl, Luther’s Director of Hospitality. How can I make your life easier?” The executives loved her positive can-do attitude. Through Cheryl’s connections, she obtained a position as Toni Braxton’s personal assistant. She and Toni both felt that she was over-qualified for the job and after a week, Toni let her go. They remained good friends, however, and Cheryl eventually went on to become Toni’s European tour manager (and later career manager).

• Listen to the encouraging voice in your head. Cheryl’s inner voice constantly reminded her that “we walk by faith and not by sight.” “Act as though it were.” “Faith and fear cannot exist in the same realm. You have to choose one or the other.” Whenever self-doubt tried to surface, she quickly shut it out with affirmations of faith.

• When you know in your spirit that it is time to move on, MOVE ON. Too often people are afraid to leave situations because they are unsure about what lies ahead. Leaving requires faith and trust in God. That’s why it is important to pray without ceasing and seek God’s direction. When He instructs, we must obey. For example, Cheryl stuck with R. Kelly during some very tumultuous times in his career. She genuinely believed in his talent and wanted to help get his career back on track. After talking with the Lord, however, she was instructed to move on. Although it was a difficult break to make, she followed God’s direction immediately. The following day, she and her then boyfriend, Jean, traveled to Hawaii. While there, he proposed and she accepted. This once again confirmed that when one door closes, another one opens. According to Cheryl, “You have to be at peace with the situation you are leaving. When you’re at peace, something better will come.”

• Your words have power. One evening after Cheryl and Jean were married, they found a moment to relax and tune in to American Idol. Cheryl immediately set her sights on Fantasia Barrino. Although Cheryl had taken a break from the industry to nurture her new relationship and prepare for motherhood, she told Jean that she would go back to work if presented with an opportunity to manage Fantasia. A few months later, Cheryl received an unexpected invitation directly from the creator of American Idol to manage Fantasia. In essence, she put the energy out there and God did the rest.

As Cheryl and I wrapped up our interview, I asked what she enjoys most about walking with the Lord. She didn’t hesitate. “He is always faithful and true. He has proven it time and time again. God never ceases to amaze me. With God in my life, everything just works out.”

Amen!

Endure

“The race is not given to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but to the one that endureth until the end.” (Amalgamation of Ecclesiastes 9:11 and Matthew 24:13.)

 

Although I can’t remember all the details, one of my favorite parables is about a swimmer who set a personal goal of swimming 10 miles in an hour and a half. A boat would carry her 10 miles out and remain anchored there in case she felt unable to complete the race against the clock. If, for some reason, she couldn’t complete the race, all she would have to do was stop swimming and wave her arms in the air. The captain of the boat would keep a close eye out for the signal.

On the day that her swim was scheduled, the weather was unusually cold and a dense fog settled all around her. She felt quite nervous on the ride out and began to doubt herself and question whether this was a good idea. She’d never had to swim in these conditions. Maybe she should wait until a sunnier day.

Determined, she decided to go for it in spite of the conditions. Ten miles out, she jumped off the boat into the freezing ocean water. She swam, and swam, and swam for what felt like an eternity. Was she even headed in the right direction?  With each stroke she felt further and further from her goal. She was so cold. The fog was so thick. She lost track of time. She started to lose hope. About an hour into the race, she stopped swimming and flailed her arms.

The boat headed towards her. When it arrived, the captain informed her that she had almost made it to shore. She actually only had another 40 yards to go before she reached her goal. She had made excellent time. He inquired about why she had given up.

The swimmer responded, “The water was so cold, and the fog was so thick. I couldn’t see the shore. I felt like there was no way I could make it.”

That’s how it is with us. When our blessings are nearby, the waters can get extremely cold and the fog a little too thick. It is during this time that Satan will do whatever he can to get us to give up before we reach the shoreline.

I had to remind myself of this story today because for the past year I have been working diligently to obtain a certificate in Human Resources Management. I spent tons of money that I didn’t have for the program. I spent countless hours studying, working on projects, attending 4 ½ hour classes, and sacrificing time with my family to make it through the program. None of the effort spent guarantees that a job in HR will be waiting for me when I finish. I don’t see any opportunities on the horizon. I am BEYOND tired! It is taking everything in me to turn in that final assignment or to attend those last few classes. I feel the self doubt trying to creep in. Yet, I am determined to continue on.

The difference between the swimmer who couldn’t see her goal and me is that I can see the shoreline. It will be here December 10th. I must endure. My blessings are there waiting for me to reach them.

“The race is not given to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but to the one that endureth until the end.”

Peer Pressure in Marina del Rey

As I was praying for my daughters this morning I thought about peer pressure and the importance of being strong enough to make the RIGHT decisions regardless of what those around you are doing. I was reminded of a time when I chose to go along with the crowd and the events that unfolded because of that choice.

Picture it. Marina del Rey. August 1999. I had just graduated from high school and was so excited to be heading off to college. 8-10 friends and I decided that to celebrate we would go to Marie Callender’s. We had a blast—ordering whatever we wanted, laughing about our high school memories, and making fun of the waiter and other restaurant patrons. When we finished our meals it seemed like most of my table stood up and walked out. A few of us sat dumbfounded trying to figure out what was going on. Had they paid without us seeing them? Did they leave without paying? When had they decided to leave and why hadn’t we been given the memo? If we continued to sit at the table, would we have to pay for their meals in addition to our own? Next thing I knew, I too was out of the restaurant—bill unpaid.

Outside the restaurant I felt an extreme sense of guilt. I couldn’t believe that I had walked out. I had more than enough money to pay my bill. How had this happened? I said to my dear friend, who was also a “goodie two-shoes” like me, “We HAVE to go back and pay. We KNOW better than this.”

We discussed the situation a little while before he agreed to walk back with me so that we could pay. We headed in the direction of the restaurant and then out of nowhere he grabbed me tightly by the arm, turned around, and ran towards the waiting get-away cars. The next thing I knew I was in the car and my friends smashed out.

I couldn’t believe it. Just like that I was a thief…and a fugitive.

For the next few days I beat myself up for the poor decision I had made. I confided in my sister, who is ten years older than I am. I told her what had happened and that as soon as I got my new car a few days later, I was going to go back and pay. I told her how terribly guilty I felt and made her promise that she wouldn’t tell my mother.

Of course my sister told my mother (which I realized years later when I thought about the irony in the way the story unfolded).

My mother chose to protect my sister by telling me that a church member had called her and told her that they saw someone who looked like me on the news running through a parking lot with a group of kids. My heart began to palpitate. I was on the news? The authorities must be looking for me. I was going to jail over a $15 meal that I could have easily paid for. Oh God!!! You know I had every intention of going back to pay as soon as I got my car and could drive there without my mother having to know what had happened. I felt dizzy. I broke down and told her everything. I told her that I was SOOO sorry and I cried and cried.

My mom seemed disappointed, but she wasn’t upset. She told me that she would take me back to pay and lectured me about the importance of surrounding myself with honest people. I called my friends and tried to convince them to pay as well. I told them that someone had seen us on the news and that I was going back. They were a little more street savvy than I was and told me that there was no way anyone had seen us and that they weren’t going back. I knew that my sister had promised not to tell my mom and there was no way that my mom would ever stretch the truth, so someone had to have seen us.

When my mother and I got to Marie Callender’s I confessed everything that had happened to the manager. I told him that I was sooo sorry and had no excuse for behaving so poorly. I gave him the money for the food and he told me that he appreciated me for coming back. He even gave me a free pie.

Lessons learned:

• I must take responsibility for my actions. I have options in every situation I encounter. Making bad choices because I feel like I don’t have any other options is unacceptable because if I relax and think clear headedly about what is going on, I ALWAYS have more than one. I could have paid my portion of the bill (or even the entire bill), allowed my friends to leave me, and asked my mom or dad to come pick me up. At the time I didn’t think about that. As soon as I got home I could have told my mother what had happened and asked her to take me back to the restaurant to pay, but I didn’t mention it because I thought she would be upset with me, and the thought of disappointing my parents has always been torturous for me…but in all honesty it isn’t nearly as bad as the thought of disappointing the Master, which had already been done when I followed the crowd.

• Sometimes our sins put other people in uncomfortable positions and can cause them to fall as well. My sister promised me that she wouldn’t tell…but she did. My mom then chose to come up with a bogus story to protect my sister, who was really just trying to do what was best and look out for me. All of this stemmed from my initial sin.

• The restaurant manager taught me a valuable lesson about forgiveness. He could have responded to the situation a number of ways, but he allowed me to pay, spoke very kindly to me, forgave me, and then blessed me with a sweet treat. He didn’t have to do any of that, but he was compassionate, understanding, and even thankful that I had come back to do the right thing. He recognized that I was TRULY repentant and he forgave me—just as God does.

• I should always make sure that I surround myself with honest people. It may be more tempting for me to do what is wrong than it is for them to do what is right…and that’s a chance that I choose not to take. Regardless of who sees or doesn’t see me, God is always watching, and I want so badly to make Him proud. The guilt associated with the sin just isn’t ever worth it. The punishment that accompanies the sin is NEVER worth it. I tell Amari this all the time. The bible is clear. God is VERY forgiving, but He hates sin…and He punishes sin…and the punishment is NEVER worth the sin.

Interestingly I found myself in a very similar situation a few years later. This time I was with a group of people at a Denny’s in Las Vegas. I was a little older…and a little wiser. This time I made the right decision and paid. It was also in that moment that I fully embraced the fact that my associations matter. I had to choose better friends and acquaintances and I made a conscious effort to do just that.